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Top 10 Funniest George Carlin Quotes

#10

 

I put a dollar in a change machine. Nothing changed.

--GEORGE CARLIN

 
#9
 

If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn’t the whole airplane made out of that stuff?

--GEORGE CARLIN

 
#8
 

If Helen Keller had psychic ability, would you say she had a fourth sense?

--GEORGE CARLIN

 
#7
 

How come when it's us, it's an abortion, and when it's a chicken, it's an omelette?

--GEORGE CARLIN

 
#6
 

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.

--GEORGE CARLIN

 
#5
 

Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?

--GEORGE CARLIN

 
#4
 

The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves, "You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done."

--GEORGE CARLIN

 
#3
 

What wine goes with Captain Crunch?

--GEORGE CARLIN

 
#2
 

Religion has convinced people that there’s an invisible man ...living in the sky, who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn’t want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer and burn and scream until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you and he needs money.

--GEORGE CARLIN

 
#1
 

I wanted to get a job as a gynecologist, but I couldn't find an opening.

--GEORGE CARLIN

 
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