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#10

 

I heard Dennis Kucinich say in a debate, "When I'm president..." and I just wanted to stop him and say, "Dude."
 
#9
 

The official CIA report, the Duelfer Report, has come out. The one that they've been working on for the past two years that will be the definitive answer on the weapons of mass destruction programs in Iraq, and it turns out, uh, not so much. Apparently, there were no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, and their capabilities had been degraded, and they pretty much stopped trying anything in '98. Both the president and the vice president have come out today in response to the findings and said that they clearly justify the invasion of Iraq. So, uh, some people look at a glass and see it as half full, and other people look at a glass and say that it's a dragon.

 
#8
 

Do you really think they have chemical weapons stronger than living next to New Jersey?

 
#7
 

Ahh, Earth Day, the only day of the year where being able to hacky-sack will get you laid.

 
#6
 

Six, six, oh six... Day of the devil? Or regular numerical sequence?!

 
#5
 

They always throw around this term "the liberal elite." And I kept thinking to myself about the Christian right. What's more elite than believing that only you will go to heaven?

 
#4
 

Yes! Finally captured Martha Stewart. You know, with all the massive and almost completely unpunished fraud perpetrated on the American public by such companies as Enron, Global Crossing, Tyco and Adelphia, we finally got the ringleader. Maybe now we can lower the nation's terror alert to periwinkle.

 
#3
 

Thou shall not kill. Thou shall not commit adultery. Don't eat pork. I'm sorry, what was that last one?? Don't eat pork. God has spoken. Is that the word of God or is that pigs trying to outsmart everybody?

 
#2
 

We have it. The smoking gun. The evidence. The potential weapon of mass destruction we have been looking for as our pretext of invading Iraq. There's just one problem--it's in North Korea.

 
#1
 

I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.

 
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